forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
