whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
