"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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