i don't like sucking hair
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
