What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
