you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I need water and some morals
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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