I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
