I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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