You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
