I met the friendliest cop last night
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
