"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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