What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
