maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you had me at cake vodka
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
