I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
