...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
