Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
