The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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