I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Is Oprah even human
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
