She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
