tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
