Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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