Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
BRING THE BAGELS
Gay?
German.
Pity.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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