Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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