Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
