There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
