he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
