she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
