I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
