How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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