He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
