just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
