you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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