She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
