I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
