Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
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Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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