Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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