I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
