so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
