this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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