Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
