hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
