I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
