Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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