On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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