wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
