I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
