i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
