Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
