if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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