Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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