u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
