I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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