how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize