I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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