walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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