i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
be right there i have to get my cape
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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