My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
